Tense Problems

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Who said that? Is it even true?

I hate the idea that absence will make me more fond of you.

And maybe equating death to absence is an oversimplification but sometimes simple is what we need because grasping the idea that you’re gone, that I will never hear your voice again, that I will never see you smile, or cook, or play with the cats, is beyond my comprehension.

Because a world without you in it was not something I ever could have conceived of.

I used to wonder what it was like for you to be with us all the time.

When we spoke in riddles only we understand.

When we forgot to do the simple things.

What was it like to try and break into that? Break and make space for yourself in a shelter built for two?

Because instead of pushing us out, you added onto our walls, expanding them so you could join.

But now we’re here with all this empty space and I know you didn’t mean for it to be this way, that no one wanted it to be this way, but it still hurts.

I’m still hurt.

And the pain has subsided, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with me.

Because you’re not here which is a present tense problem.

And you won’t be here. Future tense problem.

But at the end of the day, I’m so glad for the memories I do have and the time I did spend with you, and the time that you gave to me. Past tense.

I love you.

Present tense because you are a part of me and present. It just takes me a second to remember that sometimes.